Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
