I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
