I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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