listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
