im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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