My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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