i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
