it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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