I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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