My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
