i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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