so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
