He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
