Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
