don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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