my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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