so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
