My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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