I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
