I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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