dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
