i think i have two assholes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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