Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
