Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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