So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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