all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
