omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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