I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
