are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
