If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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