Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
