It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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