The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
