ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
