There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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