I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize