Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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