What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
