1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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