She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
