grandma shit on top of the toilet
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
