You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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