john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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