Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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