I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
