remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
