He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
