Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
