I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
