I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
