At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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