Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
