i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
