It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
