ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
