Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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