btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
YAS. BRING CRAB.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
