im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
