i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
