My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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