On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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