How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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